What Is Spousal Abuse?

First let me say that spousal abuse cuts both ways. Men tend to be viewed as primary culprits in abuse because men often overpower women physically. But women are often just as damaging through verbal means and sexual or emotional blackmail. In any case this behavior is learned behavior that is generational. I focus on women. The least able to defend themselves.

I know many men and women from all walks of life who are engaging in abuse unconsciously and wondering why their relationships with each other are not happy.

Do You See This In Your Relationship?

• Do you feel that your spouse embarrasses you with put downs or bad names?

• Does your spouse often yell at you?

• Does you spouse often scare you with actions or looks?

• Does your spouse try to control the family income by making all of the decisions?

• Does your spouse force you to hand over your paycheck?

• Does your spouse make you ask for money?

• Does your spouse make you ask for permission before you can do something?

• Does your spouse make all of the decisions?

• Does your spouse blame you endlessly?

• Does your spouse tell you that you are a bad parent and even threaten to take your children away from you?

• Does your spouse ever threaten to harm your children?

• Does your spouse try to control what you do, who you see or even who you talk to?

• Does your spouse ever destroy your property?

• Does your spouse ever threaten to kill your pets?

• Does your spouse lie to you?

• Does your spouse force sex on you?

• Does your spouse withdraw sex as a means of getting their own way?

• Does your spouse ever threaten to kill you?

• Does your spouse disable your car or hide your car keys?

• Does your spouse ever threaten you with guns, knives or other weapons?

• Does your spouse ever shove you, slap you or hit you?

• Does your spouse force you to drop charges?

• Does your spouse threaten suicide or homicide?

• Does your spouse drink too much or use illicit drugs?

• Does your spouse act as if their actions are no big deal, that it's your fault, say they were just kidding or even deny anything occurred?

If you checked even One Question as true you may be in an abusive relationship.

None of these actions are acts of love, support or respect which is central to any good marriage. These are control issues that are NEVER YOUR FAULT! The fault lies completely with the person abusing you. Law and common sense demand that each of us be responsible for our individual actions and choices. Marriage never cancels our personal responsibility. If anything it should encourage us to become more loving and caring individuals.

The abuser needs psychological help. Without help the abuse will become worse because abusers will not police themselves. Abuse gives them a kick. It's like a drug. Abusers are immature with very poor coping skills. Don't be a target. Leave until they get all of the help they need. Do not fall for feeble promises or apologies or even tearful begging. Actions speak louder than words. Do not ever resume a relationship until the abuser can present you with documented proof that they have successfully completed counseling or courses with mental health organizations. Then together seek joint counseling because you will need proof of changes in their behaviors. But don't be surprised if your abuser flatly refuses help with a take it or leave it attitude. It takes gutts to get help and change. Most abusers fall real short in this department. They'd rather just get another person to abuse and usually they do!

Joint Counseling?

Many abuse victims wish to help their abusers, especially after the abuser has promised to get counseling. However, relationship or "couple" counseling is often both unproductive and dangerous. While abuse certainly affects the victim and the entire family, abuse is the sole problem and responsibility of the abuser. Many relationships could benefit from couple counseling, but it is very important that the abuser first address the abusive and violent behavior independently. If and when the abuse stops and equality is returned to the relationship, relationship or family counseling may then be helpful.

Many victims have reported that when abuse was present in the relationship, their abuser got angry and violent after a couples counseling session when something was said or discussed that the abuser did not like. The counselor will not be there to protect you at this point. Remember also that abusers are master manipulators--this is their way to control situations. As a result the abuser is likely to try to manipulate the counselor as well as the individual sessions--and in a couples counseling situation, they are often successful. Counselors who generally do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence may be easily manipulated by the abuser; counselors who are familiar with domestic violence usually will not participate in couples counseling because they recognize the danger.

One case comes to mind where the wife was diagnosed as severely depressed and border line paranoid because her husband convinced the counselor that his wife was imagining the abuse for attention and was hallucinating about his behavior. If I hadn't had first hand knowledge of the two of them and stepped in when asked she could have ended up hospitalized because of her husband. Joint Counseling Is Dangerious.

I've personally seen cases where women have been committed to mental facilities for the effort of joint counseling. I'm very passionate on this issue. Get counseling for yourself. Let your abuser work through HIS PROBLEMS-ALONE!

Another problem with couples counseling is that abusers often perceive their behavior as the fault of their victims. Couples counseling helps to support the perception that the abuse is a shared problem--it is not: the abuser alone must take action to address the abusive behavior.

Some victims of domestic violence find individual counseling very helpful. If you choose to get individual counseling, it is important that your counselor understand the dynamics of family violence and abusive relationships. You have the right to ask a counselor questions about his/her attitudes and experience or training in this area before you decide to begin counseling with that person. It can be unproductive and even dangerous to be working with a counselor who is ill-informed about domestic violence. You can contact a hotline to get some names of counselors who are experienced with issues of abuse.

Remember that abuse is likely to get worse over time. You cannot change the other person's behavior, and the abuser's behavior is never your fault. You can only change yourself. You have a right to live in a relationship free of degradation and fear, and you have a right to choose how you wish to live. There are people available to help you realize a productive and healthy life.