The values and behaviors demonstrated in your home will impact your child far more than the words of caution to them that pass your lips. Your kids learn by power of example so you must be careful what that example is. Good sounding words can never undo thoughtless actions and attitudes. Kids are naturals at detecting hypocrisy. That's why they like to argue with you.

Most people will read the above and say; "Wait a minute!" No! You wait a minute! Exposure to behaviors that you do not want your child to engage in creates a double bind! A double bind is the most abusive mental parental behavior on the books today. It is by definition "Do as I say, not as I do!". In this case, the parent places their own wants, desires and comforts above the welfare of their child. The parent is saying by action; "ME FIRST!". And that sucks! {Pardon my French!}

A man who was concerned about his 17 year old son who was getting drunk often told me that he had no idea why his son would abuse alcohol. I asked the father how much he drank and how often. He replied that he drinks two or three beers at a sitting about twice a week, but he does not condone alcohol for his kids. I asked him how often on average in a year he appeared moderately intoxicated around his son. He reported that it was probably four times a year.

I then asked the same question concerning the man's wife. His answer for her was the same as for him. I pulled out a piece of paper and added up the exposure level on the child..

I figured 2 exposures a week times 52 weeks times 17 (son's age}= 1,768 exposures to alcohol consumption just from his father. Plus, 68 exposures to moderate intoxication. Now multiply that times two to make room for mom.

Total Parental Exposure= 3,536 +Exposures {136 to moderate intoxication}=3,672 Total Exposures From Mom & Dad! That's if pop was truthful. I suspect not. Pop's friends say it was probably more like 4 to 5 drinks 4 days a week-A heavy user.

In advertising it is known that the more exposure an ad gets the more recognition a product will develop. Weapons of Mass Destruction, Nike-Just do it! Burger King-Hold the pickle hold the... Little Caesars-Pizza! Pizza! Camels-Joe Camel. You get the idea.

If we expose a person to an ad seven times things start to happen. The person will now show recognition to that ad with each subsequent exposure. Imagine being exposed to an ad 3,672 times over a 17 year period by people you love, desire to emulate and trust. That ad would be totally engraved in your mind! Now imagine thinking that a slogan like "Just say no" said by a school or poster could undo all of those previous exposures. It is totally insane to think that you could undo that type of exposure. Most drinkers ignore the obvious and then wonder why their kid begins to act out not realizing that the kid is acting on the parental programming provided.

Parental programming, the most authoritative programming there is in the child's life bar none! Many times a parent will take their kid to a professional counselor and say; "Fix him, or her.". In order to fix the child we must also fix the parents so that they do not undo everything that the counselor is trying to do. The child, like a computer, did not program them self. The parent did. The parent needs a few corrupted files dumped as well. But many so-called loving parents roar in indignation that they did the best they could. Case closed! This again shows the child hypocrisy and hypocrisy is not love. It is self-centered private agenda abuse!

Counselors try to fix behavioral problems and not fix blame. The counselor through experience knows where the problem took seed and how it germinated. These are not unique circumstances. Things do not ever happen for no reason.

The Bible says that if you raise a child up in the way that they should go, when grown they will not depart from it. Slang says, The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. When I talk to a child I have a real good idea what that child's parents are like. Children mirror their parents' attitudes and behaviors. Children that are grateful for adult attention and are overly happy with small gestures like a burger and cola probably aren't getting much attention and little kindness. We all go after what we feel deprived of.

Teens who feel deprived of parental love will seek sex and connection with other teens that feel that same way. They are trying to fill the emotional void that was created by emotionally distant or emotionally absent parents. I did this act big time until I was 35 years old. I confused female attention and sex with love because I had absolutely no idea of what real mature love was. It took tons of mistakes, pain, and drugs to teach me that real love doesn't hurt. I, like many people and teenagers kept attaching myself to people in order to constantly fill the hole of deprivation in my life rather than deal with the root cause. That cause was my parents' example of marriage presented to me. If that presentation was love I'll agree to drink a bottle of ammonia. It was control and upheaval.

People will date and marry those whom they recognize from their home life! A young woman may seek the attention of a man that reminds her of her dad and "this time dad will pay attention to me.", or "this time I'll make him love me.". Or a young man will do the same in reverse. But this never works for very long. I'd say for about a year to eighteen months it may actually feel good. You may want to read the article on Spousal Abuse.

Consider this. People will either chose partners by what they have evaluated that they want, or it will be the person that they neeeeeeeeeeed! The person they need they will never fully evaluate until the relationship is having conflict. If you change your likes and dislikes every time you date someone new you are a needy person.

If you feel comfortable showing your likes and dislikes in your relationship and your partner doesn't appear to be trying to adopt your views as their views, this relationship would be one of want and not need.

If you panic over your partners' behaviors or often feel jealous, you are in an unhealthy relationship. Good relationships are never hurry hurry let's get married! A good love is comfortable in finding the right time and circumstances as it broadens and deepens over time. I am firmly convinced that it takes at the very minimum two years of dating to know who it is that you are with.

People maintain great behavior for about a year before the real them emerges. Often people hold their tempers in check until they cannot do it any longer. Then the demands begin and they never stop from that point on. If you'd have married quickly, you'd be screwed legally and financially, and.....you might even have kids to even make the mess bigger. Been there, done that! No fun! Not the children part though. Thought. Babies need. Grownups want.

The kids will be kids approach to problems is nothing more than a side step for the irresponsible parent who plans no corrective or helpful action. These parents are playing with fire. When Johnny dies of a mishap, suicide or overdose I always look to the parent every bit as much as I would if Johnny became a brain surgeon. 2+2=4. If we can indeed raise a successful child

Writers' note; Don't let irrational fear or shame stand between you and your child's mental health. The attitude of how things will look can kill your child.

Alcohol is a psychoactive drug that often causes violent behavior, unlawful acts, sexual abuse, depression, suicide, spousal abuse and every negative behavior attributed to so called illicit drugs. The only difference in America between the classification of alcohol and other drugs is the biased attitude of the populace.

Update October 2005; Since this article was written in 1998, I have seen four suicides of teenagers within my sphere of acquaintances, one murder, more than a few serious beatings and about a couple of dozen broken relationships.