What Is Codependency?

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000" background="005fd5a3.jpg"> <div> <I><B>Dependency Answers</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>         </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000066" FACE="Georgia" ><I><B>  Since 1998</B></I></FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>|     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dependency Answers"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000" background="006d2b03.jpg"> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles and Resources"><U><B><U>Articles and Resources</U></B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dependency Answers"><U><B><U>Home</U></B></U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I><B>What Is Codependency?</B></I></div> <bR> <div> Boundaries are personal human property lines.</div> <div> Every human is a Stand Alone Model .</div> <div> Abnormal guilt reflexes stunt our lives.</div> <bR> <div> A rough cut description of codependency is the mistaken thought that you are somehow responsible for the thoughts, actions and outcomes of other people. I believe that everyone in some way is codependent. The problem occurs when the responsibilities of other people become your responsibilities and another person's outcomes, that are generally only their negative outcomes also become your responsibility.</div> <bR> <div> Codependency features blurred lines of boundary between what is me and what is you. Codependent people live half lives as they cater and take care of other people's responsibilities and feelings. The aggressor codependent places responsibility for their feelings and actions on others. For Example; "Don't make me hit you!", or "I got drunk because you made me mad!" or "I did this because you did that." In all cases the aggressor wants you to feel that their actions are not their responsibility and that you could have controlled the situation which is utter nonsense!</div> <bR> <div> Personal Experience; One morning years ago in another marriage my now ex and I woke up. As I awakened I looked at her and said; "How do we feel today?" She replied; "What the hell do you mean by that?" I said; "I need to know whether you are happy or sad so I can take the blame if you are sad." She replied; "Right now I'm pissed and it's your fault!". I then asked her if I was responsible for her feelings. Her reply? "You're damn right you are!" So I broke the bad news to her. I told her that I had delegated my responsibility to her mother for all of my actions and feelings and I handed her the phone so she could call her and complain to her about it. She screamed; "You're nuts!" I said; "I can't be! We're both playing the same game with the same rules!". Unfortunately an aggressor will never see it that way. You see, an aggressor has all of the rights. If they didn't the game would fall apart.</div> <bR> <div> God put us all on this planet to experience growth. Codependency does not allow for growth. It only allows for ritualistic behavior that supports a jerk and undermines the ability of another person to be themselves taking care of themselves and growing. In a codependent relationship there is only room for one person and that person demands support from others and also comfort in the form of a handy alibi for any negative life outcome. In order to get this support they lay guilt and shame on others. If that doesn't work they will often scare or physically abuse someone to get the effect they desire. They are indeed sick. But putting up with it means that we have problems too.</div> <bR> <div> Every person on earth {unless mentally challenged} is born with the same behavioral responsibilities. Each person is to assume their own responsibilities unless they are a ward of the state or underage. You cannot assume the mental well-being of another person and assume your responsibility as well. In other words, everyone handles their own territory of mental health and function. One life to live is enough for any adult.</div> <bR> <div> How I feel is my responsibility. How you feel is your responsibility. If you often feel engaged, it is because you live life with vitality. If you are often bored, it is because you are a boring person. And no one on God's green earth is responsible for either set of feelings except the person who has those feelings. No one can change those feelings for you either. Feelings come from choices that are extremely personal. Feelings come from choices of habits and actions that reinforce those choices over and over again. Can we change the behavior of others toward us?</div> <bR> <div> YES! Growth should be the goal of all humans albeit the aggressor codependent won't want any part of change. These people thrive on familiar comfort so we rock their boat with consequences. First we lay ground rules. You will not say certain things to me. You will not be critical of me. You will not mentally abuse me because if you do, I will no longer deal with you.</div> <bR> <div> Consequences? There's a ton of them. You will do your own cooking, dishes/ laundry/ cleaning, sheets/towels/pillow cases/ errands/ bill paying/ phone answering and follow up/ oil changes/ car maintenance / grocery shopping/ appointment making/ eat alone/ sleep alone/ I won't make love to someone who obviously has a problem with me/ I won't socialize with someone who humiliates me, etc.  We can no longer be friends.... Expand on the list!</div> <bR> <div> Relationships are built on trust, empathy and compromise. If the aggressor will not at some reasonable point agree to effect a change in order to help the relationship grow and mature then that relationship is simply not worth saving. If the relationship is not that important to one, then it cannot be important at all. Simple stuff. Relationships cannot be based on your pain and one person's comfort.</div> <bR> <div> If you feel that you have no identity of your own without someone else in your life you are codependent. Identity is a clear understanding of who I am without you or someone else. If you go into a panic from just being alone you are codependent. If you don't enjoy your own company you are codependent. If you often cannot make decisions you are codependent. If you feel that if XYZ would just change and life would be better you are codependent.</div> <bR> <div> Happiness is created from within, not from exterior sources. Happiness is a personal decision that you make. Happiness cannot be bought, sold, bartered, or borrowed. It is not a commodity. It is a feeling brought on by a personal decision. If you are unhappy put the blame on the person in the mirror. You have some decisions to make for you.</div> <bR> <div> We will only get from others what we allow others to give to us every bit as much we can only experience personal happiness through our thoughts and actions.</div> <bR> <div> Formal research has shown that it takes 21 days to create a so-called pathway in the brain that makes being happier a habit and 63 days to consolidate what has been learned. Make today the day you decide on personal happiness.</div> <bR> <div> Copyright 2003-2006 © DependencyAnswers All Rights Reserved</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>