In 2001 our visitor rate to our page "What Is Spousal Abuse" had gone through the roof. It is now our number one page being visited through search engines such as AskJeeves. Our e-mail suggests that the present economic down turn has brought out the worst in those with a low tolerance to frustration. So as best I can I will answer the questions that have been sent in or discussed personally.

In my article titled The Primary Cause Of Addiction I explained that environment while growing up was key to our decisions and choices that we make through out our life times. Also, it is impossible for anyone to operate outside of their own knowledge base or experiences. As humans we do what we know and what is comfortable to us.

For reasons that only your daughter appears to know, she feels that her husbands' behavior is acceptable and quite normal. She obviously fears his outbursts of anger and, or hitting enough to get clear of him when he explodes. Yet she is still drawn to him in romantic, sexual or dependent ways.

This can only be termed as an addictive relationship. About 90% of the population would leave, call the police and terminate that kind of relationship the very first time that violence entered the marriage or relationship. Never in the history of mankind has violence ever been a synonym for love. It is the exact opposite.

The man that your daughter is involved with has deep seated unresolved feelings of anger and resentment that have nothing to do with your daughter. Those feelings were there long before he and she ever knew each other. He feels a very strong need to control her and be obeyed in everything even if the everything is insane. He wants to own her. Ownership is not love. We own homes and cars. We have relationships with people.

Your daughter keeps coming home because you allow it. You are enabling both of these people to keep playing this sick little game. You mean well by providing a hiding place and then just watching her walk right back into the war zone.

I might add that many abused women are addicted to the heightened emotions present in these relationships. It's like an adrenaline kick after the anger has cleared and the sex begins.

Others enjoy their man or woman being jealous and possessive. But the violence gets in the way. It's like a Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. They do things they shouldn't so the guy reacts strongly in protection that gets out of control. While still other women just can't accept that their choice of a man was the wrong choice and can't believe that violence is happening to them.

An even smaller percentage won't admit to themselves or others that Mr. Perfect is really just Mr. Jerk. It's how things look not how things are that are important.

The next time she calls or presents herself at your door step a new approach must be taken. Tell her you love her first. Then tell her that if she comes into your home she must call the police and file a report on the incident that brought her back home. If she refuses tell her to go elsewhere.

You need to stop the circle of behavior that is going on. You might ask her why she feels being a target for abuse is what she wants. After the first incident with no police report or counseling enacted it becomes clear that she feels any alternative to this is worse than what is going on.

In order for anything to change something must change. In abuse it is the reception to the abuse that must change because the abuser has no reason to change. Abuser=Bully.

Why do bullies stop? Because of exposure to consequences. The stronger the consequence the faster they stop. To stop a bully you present him with a consequence that causes him to Get It The First Time! Prosecutors are very good at getting attention the first time.

The bottom line is this; if the abuser isn't willing to go into counseling and stop abusing, the spouse may well end up on a slab in a morgue and many abuse victims do!

A quality relationship and a happy marriage never contains abuse, head games, control or ugly remarks. Love is love and war is war and those two items of emotion cannot be combined and called sanity.